my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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