i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
