My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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