im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize