tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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