Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
