Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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