ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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