Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize