wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
