call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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