Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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