Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
