when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
