i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
