Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Randomize
