Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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