He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize