He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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