you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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