Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
