Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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