I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
