I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
