so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
