This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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