a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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