My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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