Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
