Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
