So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
