Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
