Your face is a jimmy john
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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