I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize