chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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