I can text with my tongue
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
