I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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