I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
