Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize