have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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