If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
