My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize