Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
