I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
