You smell like a Billy Joel song
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
