once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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