Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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