I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
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