I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize