I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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