My brain says no but my pants say off.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
