I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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