My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
