sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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