if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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